One o’ Clock Thoughts

It is one o’clock in the morning.

There is no plan for sleeping, no plan for laying under blankets until eyes shut and breathing slows.

No. That is for later.

For now, it is nicotine and useless words and a kiss every now and again to remember where I am.

It still feels like a dream.

How do you decide what you deserve?

Is it your past?

The boys you loved without thinking, the pieces you so willingly shared until they tore them out of you and laughed? The vices you found that are killing you, even as they are killing the family around you? The friends you adored until romance became end-all be-all and week-long sleepovers were forgotten in bouts of selective amnesia?

I don’t know.

Is it your present?

The family you left, selfishly or not, to finally be safe? The friends you found to hold you together, even when the whole world is telling you you’re better alone? The times you spent like an insomniac, smoking and laughing until sleep closed friendly eyes and left a smile on your lips?

I don’t know.

Is it your future?

The college that accepted you with scholarships and heavy bills, is going to take you away from all that you grew up with? The boy you are in love with, and the fear of losing him to late-night parties and meaningless lectures? The family you are going to have, whether or not you want them?

I don’t know.

It is one o’clock, and I am tired.

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